Get Outta My NHL Leaders

After a month or so of NHL action, there are still some frauds amongst us.

This was a segment that Dan Bernstein used to run on the old Afternoon Show for baseball. It was always about some hilljack who was hitting .430 after six weeks or two months of the MLB season, usually with a BABIP of 1.700 or something, and it was basically Fraud Watch for baseball. But it applies to hockey too! Let's run through it.

Seattle Kraken - 3rd in the Pacific (9-5-1, 19 points, 6 RW)

I had the Kraken picked to finish behind even the Hawks this season, and I'll still stand by this team sucking deep pond scum. No one has benefitted more from Joel Quenneville going substitute teacher on the Ducks more than the Kraken, as the Sharks, Flames, Kings, and Canucks aren't even competitive. Seattle holds a playoff spot basically be default. But hey, this is America, and you can go far by positioning yourself just on this side of people dumber than you, even if you're a dummard yourself.

But they stink. Their xG% is in Flyers-land, as is their attempts-share. They're burying almost 13 percent of their shots at even-strength. Their leading goal-scorers are Mackie Semoskevich and Frederic Gaudreau. The latter is shooting nearly 40 percent. If the Pacific wasn't the bee-guarding crew of the NHL, we could absolutely count on them to sink like a stone. They still might if any of the aforementioned detention group can get their act together. But we should all prepare for them to stick around the playoff race for a while, and for a bunch of "Seattle Revival!" stories that will be every flavor of horseshit.

Edmonton Oilers - Leading the Pacific (11-2-3, 25 points, 9 RW)

I know it doesn't make any sense to write this about a team with such a powerful top end of the roster, or where Connor McDavid might honestly take a run at 200 points. But good lord, does the rest of this team suck!

When McDavid, or Draisaitl, or Bouchard, or their linemates are on the ice, they average over 3.00 xG/60. Anyone else? They're barely scratching 2! Connor Murphy is at 1.63. Zach Hyman is 2.3. Nugent-Hopkins is 2.1. Get beyond the top line and the top pairing and barely anyone is scratching a 45-share in either category. They're getting blasted when 97 and 29 aren't out there. What was the point of hiring Mike Babcock again? He can't figure out to split up his two stars just so he might not have three lines that are drowning in the ball pit? This guy's stealing money from behind the bench again. One day, McDavid is going to collect dues from all the coaches he kept employed for far longer than they deserved.

Nashville Predators - Last wildcard spot (6-4-5, 17 points, 5 RW)

We're doing this shit again? The Preds are keeping themselves afloat by grabbing a shit-ton of loser points already, so they seem to just be benefitting from some sequencing. This team isn't good defensively, barely creates much, and then just watch Filip Forsberg and Roman Josi pull their ass out of the sling of the morass of a rebuild they should have entered five years ago. They'll hang around the playoff spots all season because it's what they do, it'll get them nowhere, and eventually they'll suck for years when Josi needs a rascal to get on the ice. But they'll still beat the piss out of the Hawks.

Artturi Lehkonen - 12 goals (4th in the league)

There's free agent pushes, and then there's somehow shooting 35 percent when in a contract year. Which wouldn't be something you'd think a player can control. Lehkonen has actually been sneaky good at getting himself scoring chances in Colorado, but burying over a third of them is going to flatten out hard at some point this season.