Lost In America - Free, Daily World Cup Newsletter: Day 14 - I Know The Pieces Fit
The Round of 32 starts to come into focus as the first three groups finish off.
Let's do it a little more free form, with six matches per day being a lot for anyone to take in. That's why I'm so tough. We might not know everyone who's going through, but we're getting some idea now.
Group A - Mexico win the group, South Africa finish second, South Korea left biting their nails, Czechia on their ass
So there's a satisfying aspect to this group, and an infuriating one, as long as you're a petty, maladjusted man like myself. We'll get to the latter in a second. The funny, satisfying part is the braying about the expanded field before the tournament would lead to teams who weren't fit for a World Cup. That has proven true, except a good portion of them are from Europe, where that braying was emanating from. Czechia are a good example. There was nothing about this team whatsoever. The numbers are that they barely produced 2 xG over three games. The overarching impression is that on Wednesday night, they needed to show something against the Mexico understudies to get out of the group. Sure, beating Mexico in Mexico takes more than a smile and a swagger, but this wasn't the prime Mexico team. Czechia showed nothing all tournament, other than the ability to chuck a ball into the box from a throw-in. They were playing the soccer the annoying guy at the bar who's pissed off there's soccer on the TV at all screams about, "HIT IT TO THE TALL GUY! WHY DON'T THEY GET SEVEN-FOOTERS?!"
As for the infuriating part, and let me warn you that I'm missing out on a really great story thanks to my own shortcomings as a human, is that South Korea completely coughing up a hairball in their last match means that Canada, and specifically Jesse Marsch, get a much more sweetheart draw in the Round of 32. We'll get to Canada in full in a second, but instead of seeing South Korea in LA, which would have been a home game for the Koreans, they'll now see South Africa, a spirited by limited team. I'm furious, and when Marsch goes full Jagger down the SoFi sideline, my partner is going to have to remove all the sharp objects in the house. And we have a decent amount of knives!
But fair play to Bofana Bofana, who simply outran and outfought South Korea for 90 minutes, looking absolutely lethal on the counter, and eventually scoring on one. South Korea looked completely unprepared and outgunned, chasing all over the field. South Africa simply ran through midfield as if this was a game of red rover against toddlers, again and again. My guy, Heung-min Son, looked utterly cooked, even in only 45 minutes of duty. They still have a good chance of going through as a third-place team, but they'll need some help.
Group B - Switzerland win, Canada second, Bosnia-Herzegovina through in 3rd, Qatar paste
As long as I'm eating some shit that I've set up for myself, I have to give Jesse Marsch one break. Canada are a team somewhat bereft of skill. Even more so missing Alphonso Davies and then their starting midfielders, Kone and Eustaquio. They certainly lack, team-wide, the skill that helps players pass the ball successfully to someone in the same shirt. What they do have is a lot of athleticism in midfield and up front, if not much nous. So Marsch sends them out to create chaos, trying to turn games into kindergarten football. That works great in CONCACAF and against other teams that don't have the technique and suave to work around it. Bosnia and Qatar certainly didn't.
But Switzerland certainly do. While not a top-tier European side, they're still littered with guys who play at the top levels, guys who have been in tournaments every two years, for their entire careers. So they can look at a Canadian side charging at them with a war cry and their hair on fire, and simply do the Samoa Joe spot:
The Swiss let Canada charge all over the place, passed around them, spread the ball out to one of their wingers, and then let their two speedy forwards get behind the one part of the Canadian team that isn't all that quick, the defense. Embolo and Manzabi were consistently breaking the walls down, and combined for the second goal after setting up the first. Canada was able to crawl back into it in the tactics-free zone after going down two and just throwing everything forward, but it was a lot like a teenage boy trying to remove his first bra. He might get there in the end, but it's going to be a lot of thrashing and confusion getting there.
Canada whiffed on the chance to play their first ever knockout game in Vancouver, and instead will have to decamp to LA for it. However, they'll now get South Africa, instead of the far more seasoned South Korea. Which is a break. Switzerland get to stick around Vancouver for a third-place team to be determined
As mentioned above, yet another European team that probably doesn't belong here is Bosnia, but they've caught the third-place lifeboat to move on, almost certainly against the US in Santa Clara. But they are as blunt as a cow's head, and made Qatar look reasonable for a period of this one. But hey, they don't ask how, I s'pose.
Group C - Brazil win, Morocco second after a nutter, Scotland barely holding on, Haiti out on their shields
Brazil eased past Scotland to win the group on goal-difference, and their plan was definitely very Carlo Ancelotti. Sensing that Scotland wouldn't be able to create much if given the ball, and that Brazil are best when they get their best players out in space, they kinda just let Scotland have it in the first half. It was basically handing a child a PS5 controller after they've only played Nintendo. They may get the basics, but the advancements simply freeze them. Scotland handing Brazil the first goal certainly didn't help, but Brazil's bet was probably that Scotland would always choke on their own vomit if given the ball enough and forced to make their own dinner.
As much fun as the Scottish fans have had and have provided, and they're certainly a boon to any tournament's atmosphere they join, the team itself might not belong here. They've scored one goal, they've only ever looked likely to score one goal, and every attacking move looks like a middle schooler trying to remember his lines in the school play.
Morocco and Haiti was maybe the craziest game of the tournament, with Morocco treating it like the old Susie Izzard bit about the drag queen paratrooper unit. "Fuckin' hell, look at these guys! The've got the ball. Are you seeing this? FUCKIN' HELL THEY'VE SCORED WHERE'S MY MY GUN?! Were you surprised I was surprised!"
Morocco's defending in the first half was stoned Deadhead inattentive, though there isn't much any defense can do about the second Haiti goal. A ball simply can't be hit better than this. It's like an Ichiro throw from right field in his prime, where the ball never deviates off the line from takeoff point to end point:
Morocco got serious after this, and it wasn't really about Haiti defending so much as whether or not Morocco would fuck up the chances they got. They didn't, at least not enough, but at least Haiti got a moment or two they'll remember forever.
Brazil are looking at a date with either Japan or Sweden next. If Japan show up and actually play like they can win, which they can, it could get sticky for Brazil. Morocco are lining up for the Netherlands, which doesn't seem like much of a reward for the Dutch for winning the group.
This is what Scotland do, as they're praying and hoping that three points with a -4 goal-difference is enough. It probably won't be. Going down in absolute flames in their third group game is now tradition for them.
Day 14 Preview
Group E (4pm ET) - Germany vs. Ecuador, Curaçao vs. Ivory Coast
Germany are already through as group winners, so they get to roll out the stand-ins and backups. Ecuador are going to have to figure out how to, y'know, score, to have any chance. Ivory Coast have gotten to play on the counter in their first two games, but won't have such a luxury against Curaçao. When Diomande and Diallo don't have wide open pastures to streak into, what can they come up with?
Group F (7pm ET) - Japan vs. Sweden, Netherlands vs. Algeria
It's hard to know what to make of Sweden, as they paddled Algeira, but so did Japan, and they got paddled by the Dutch. Meanwhile, Japan ran Netherlands pretty evenly in the opener of the group. So that math means Japan strut out easy winners and advance. Algeria probably just want to go home, so their appetite to alligator wrestle with Brian Brobbey for 90 minutes won't be exactly ravenous.
Group D (10pm ET) - USA vs. Türkiye, Paraguay vs. Australia
We have never known a World Cup game with zero pressure, other than 1998 when the US had dove headfirst into the sewer before their third group game with then-Yugoslavia. But this is the first one earned through victories. What are we supposed to do? Just revel in it? Pretend it still means something and still produce some shpilkes about it? What a new experience! I'm so lost!
Paraguay and Australia get to hack at each other for second spot, though a draw is probably enough for both to go through. This would be a game the old system of only the top two in a group advancing would turn into a real backyard brawl. With the safety net of third place and four points being enough, we may get a Disgrace Of Santa Clara. Other than the power lines, obviously.
Goodbyes
Panama - Forgot to say our adieus yesterday, as they bit the dust with their loss Croatia. So did our Van Halen jokes. Didn't score, only gave up two goals in two matches, but hoping nothing happens is a great way to see bad stuff happen and be shoved to the exit.
Czechia - Get lost. Didn't have anything about them, other than trying to play 500 with throw-ins and crosses into the box. But then this is the nation that plagued us with Jaromir Jagr trying to make up his gambling/coke debts for more than a decade while hockey media had their ribs removed about it. A pox upon them.
Qatar - Banned.
Haiti - If you're going to go down, then do so with a goal that made everyone feel something in their loins. That's right...LOINS. Let's watch it again...
