Some Number Of Things From The Champions League: The Honeymoons Keep Getting Shorter

Hey yo, the first matchday of the Champions League is now in the annals, wherever they keep those. For anyone new, sometimes for the Champions League I do what I do for the Premier League, which is just go over what I found interesting. I tried to make it a "5 Things," but I couldn't always come up with five. Then it was "3 Things" but that felt constricting. So we just decide on the spot how many it's going to be. Planning is for losers, anyway.

-I have to admit that I'm fascinated by Jose Mourinho's return to Real Madrid. It's one of those things that makes all the sense in the world and yet makes no sense at all. As Madrid is the leading club in all of sports that huffs its own history like an ether-soaked rag, everyone gets it when they reach back in for what they already know. Because what they already knew probably did work in the past, and they did just get such success out of bringing back both Zinedine Zidane and Carlo Ancelotti for second go-arounds.

But Mourinho...man, that's a different fish fry, no? This guy has burned out everywhere he's been for the past decade or so, driving his bosses, players, and fans absolutely nuts at Spurs, Roma, Fenerbahce, and then Benfica. And he hasn't really won all that much at any of them, unless Roma's Europa Conference means anything (it probably does to Roma, who aren't exactly laden with trophies, strangely).

It's absolutely no-lose for Mourinho. Seeing as how three managers in the past two seasons couldn't solve the puzzle that president Florentino Perez has provided by collecting all the toys he could find and then asking someone else to mash them together, if Mourinho can't do it, it's just an impossible task. Just about any jackass with minimum oxygen intake can throw out this level of talent most weekends and get 3-1 wins over Levante. The rubber doesn't meet the road as quickly in Madrid, considering how La Liga works. Even when Madrid aren't all that good, they're only a dodgy penalty or two from at least matching Barcelona at the top of the table.

But the usual Mourinho cycle gets shorter with every new job. He shows up, he's smiley and jokey and talks at length about how lucky he is to be there and how good the players are. Everyone's just having a ball, and there's promises of playing a more attractive style than what we're used to with him. Then results start to sour, the tactics revert to an interrogation method, and he starts to throw everyone under the bus, and you can trace it from there.

In the span of five days Madrid lost to Real Betis, the first quality opponent they came across this season, and then were awfully lucky to beat Inter at home. Inter had to literally gift them two goals:

After going up 2-0, Madrid were definitely in Mourinho's image, barely crossing the halfway line and trying to neutral zone trap their way to a win. Which, to be fair, they did get. Madrid isn't wedded to any playing ethos the way Barcelona is, they just care about the trinkets at the end. But this level of turtle-job had the Bernabeu faithful pretty cringey.

Madrid are happy to play on the counter, as that's how Ancelotti secured their last Champions League title. But there's playing on the counter and then there's Mourinho-ball. There's really nothing waiting for Madrid until after the now super-sized international break. But coming out of that, they'll see Villareal, Roma, and Barca in the span of four games. That might be where the first levee breaks.

-If you're in need of a Champions League team to watch other than the one you normally do, you should probably look to Italy and both Roma and Como. Neither are going to win the thing, but they'll provide some real parties before they exit. Roma manager Gian Piero Gasperini turned Atalanta into an NBA Jam outfit for a while, and you may remember them having about six different wingbacks that dominated international tournaments. He's doing the same at Roma now, and turned Villa castoff Donyell Malen into '86 Brett Hull or some shit. A 1-1 draw away to Fenerbache is an acceptable way to start a Champions League campaign, though apparently it wasn't for Fenerbahce, as their manager not only quit but salted the Earth behind him!

Como aren't exactly a sympathetic little-guy-slays-Goliath story. They're owned by Indonesian billionaires that have flooded the club with lucre, and they've bought their way up through the divisions and into Serie A and now the Champions League. Their games have become a whack-a-celebrity on whose in the stands that particular day before they go do drugs we don't get at Clooney's house.

But man, they're fun. Nico Paz very well might take Messi's mantle as the hub of Argentina's attack for the foreseeable future, and Assane Diao is a fireworks show every time he gets the ball on the wing. They pulverized RB Leipzig on Thursday to open their competition, though Leipzig kind of exist to get pulverized by teams in the CL debut. There are worse ways to spend a weekday afternoon than watching these two, who definitely are not the stodgy calcio most everyone still associates with Italian teams.

-Speaking of pulverizing, Arsenal ran up over 4.00 xG on Napoli, which is scary enough. But the point of Napoli hiring Max Allegri, at least one would hope, is to turn them into a boring-ass defensive wall that then nicks a goal at the other end when it needs to. Their last three games have seen them concede over 10 xGA against Arsenal, Inter, and Como. Granted, these are three good teams, but Napoli are supposed to be as well.

-On the same tip, Atletico Madrid's reputation no longer matches the reality. Oh sure, they still do all the whining, diving, bitching, and needling that they've always done to be the team you'd most want to beat over the head with a light tube. But that used to come with a water-tight defense that made them even more annoying. But that's gone now.

Liverpool, still very much a construction site, were able to create far more than they would have against a vintage Atletico side. Meanwhile, their best attacker wanted to leave, but was told to sit in the corner by management and is now being booed by his own fans (Julian Alvarez). For the second straight season. Atletico seem caught in a transition between what they were and a more expansive team, and they're not really either.