WWE Fans Are The Stupidest Babies

John Cena's last match was the rare good booking from New York. Too bad their fans are too dumb to realize it.

Let's take a left turn. The story of last weekend was John Cena's last match. If you didn't see it, and I didn't watch the match other than the ending, you probably heard about it. John Cena tapped out, while smiling. And then every WWE fan soiled themselves, threw all their toys out of the crib, gathered up their toys, shat on them, then threw the shit-covered toys out of the crib again. I'm not here to absolve WWE fans of their shit-for-brains takes on wrestling. But they got this way by being given a steady diet of garbage booking and absolutely no storytelling from HHH, and this seemed to be the event horizon of it all.

I haven't watched WWE in a few years now, mostly for the reasons stated above. That doesn't mean I don't know what, generally, is going on there, and it's all been barf. I don't even have much vitriol for Cena himself, as other wrestling fans who lived through the "LOLCenaWins" era. When I got back into being a fan, Cena was part-time, and the first matches of his I saw live were the ones with Kevin Owens and A.J. Styles, which rocked. It actually sort of felt like a legend who didn't really have much left to do, just doing what he wanted and wrestling guys he wanted to wrestle, because he thought it would be good. Mostly, it was. But I get where all the distaste from the previous era sprang from. He sat on top of a host of better and more interesting wrestlers like Jabba The Hut simply because he sold more toys. It must have been infuriating.

Even though HHH is a total goober who is so far up his own ass everything he eats goes down his throat twice, even though Cena's retirement run over the past year has been a total disaster, and even though they totally botched Cena's heel turn and yet neither Cena nor HHH wanted to take responsibility for that, Saturday night's ending was actually pretty cool!

Let's throw aside the wrestling tradition of a retiring legend going out on his back and putting over a younger wrestler so they can use that platform to go on to achieve bigger and better things. This doesn't even have to be that, even if Walter is one of the very few actually good wrestlers that WWE has. Simply on a Cena (the wrestler) arc, it's a great call. This is a guy who has fought through everything for 30 years. For championships, for the good of the company, for whatever else, he's plowed through because he had to.

But there's nothing left for Cena to do that for anymore. There aren't championships. He's leaving the company. His legacy is secure. That's what the smile and tap is all about. It's relief, it's peace of mind that his race is over, his watch is done. There are no mountains left to climb, and there's satisfaction in that. He can tap out, give up, because there's nothing to lose from doing so. He's finally in a place to do that.

Additionally, finally tapping out after decades of not doing so puts his career into clear relief. It makes John Cena's, the wrestler's, career seem that much more remarkable for how long he was able to outrun what comes for us all. There's always the Doomsday of someone like Walter, combined with age, that calls time on everyone's career. That's part of what "going out on your back" is about. Having to actually see the fate that Cena was able to avoid for so long gives that run a bigger sheen.

If Cena just wins his last match, it's all plasticized. Just comic book-y horseshit that would shave down the whole thing. It would be BORING. It would have no texture.

But WWE has spent so many years destroying the very idea of arc and stories and blowing up the line between wrestler and individual. They have chased empty moments for a decade or more now that whatever happens next or whatever happened before doesn't matter, or even considered. It's just about some dickwad standing on the top rope with fireworks going off right then and there. They've reduced the whole company and their fans to toddlers who haven't figured out object permanence yet.

So all these dopes just wanted Cena with his hand raised and fireworks, without every worrying about how they got there or why. It's how Cody Rhodes can spend two or three years spewing the utter horseshit about "finishing his story," without most anyone realizing there was no story there. He was just chasing the fireworks going off above him. That's all he was ever after. It was empty, but no one in WWE cared, because it's a company of candy.

That doesn't mean HHH didn't fall face-first into a dumpster. Trying to insert himself into the post-match scene is yet another example of this dolt being unable to leave anything for anyone else. It was the story of his wrestling career, even though he was a terrible wrestler, and it's been the story of his booking in WWE (I'm honestly more convinced every day that his run booking NXT was done by some alien occupying his body). He deserves all the shit he had to eat live in that arena Saturday, but he'll never learn.

Yet WWE fans can't accept that. They don't see a difference between Cena The Wrestler and Cena The Guy, because WWE has told them there isn't. They can't handle feeling bad or sad after a match because it's not something they've been asked to reckon with, ever. They didn't get their moment, they didn't get to feel good, so WAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

They don't want to take the few seconds to consider what Cena's loss does for the rest of his career, or how it sets up Walter as one of the biggest heels in wrestling in years, or how it does more than just satisfy an id. All of that is far too complicated for them. They just want dessert now.

HHH will certainly ruin the heat that Walter has now. He'll do all sorts of dumbass shit to try and placate his diaper-wearing die-hards. None of it will make any sense. Everyone will deserve the gruel that comes next.