Free Daily World Cup Newsletter - Group G Preview: The Alcoves
Maybe the most straight-forward group, with soccer's Expendables at the top.
Belgium
Should You Care? Definitely, especially if you love "one last job" movies. Starting with the 2014 World Cup, there was a belief that Belgium was going to crash the penthouse party after prom, and disturb all the "Yah darlings." They had just about as much talent as anyone, with a pretty ridiculous squad that at times has had some combination of Kevin De Bruyne, Eden Hazard, Romelu Lukaku, Thibault Courtois, Jan Vertonghen, Axel Witsel, Vincent Kompany, Dries Mertens, Youri Tielemens, Mousa Dembélé, Thomas Vermaelen, and more (including your lord and mine Divock Origi, of course). If there was going to be a first-time World Cup or Euros winner, it stood to reason it would be the Red Devils.
Sadly, they trusted this obscene plunder of talent to two of the biggest dumbasses on the face of the Earth, first Marc Wilmots and then Roberto Martinez. The latter is soccer's Doc Rivers, and we'll dive more into that when we get to Portugal, as he's steering them now. He parlayed a very sociable personality and some excellent media work into a shield from anyone noticing that he has no idea what he's doing when it comes to actually managing. He could talk his way out of anything, and he talked his way out of only guiding this team to a third place finish in the 2018 World Cup and nothing else.
There were other factors, of course. Hazard went to Real Madrid and then didn't stop eating (relatable). Lukaku has never been able to stay healthy. The defense aged out. Belgium never really found another striker to take over when Lukaku was in his latest cast. At times, the players have had a hard time bridging the Flemish and Walloon schism in the country. But Martinez was not the figure to overcome that, either.
Before the 2022 World Cup, De Bruyne flat out stated that Belgium was now too old to win it. They didn't get out of the group. They went out to France in the Round of 16 in the Euros. De Bruyne is still around, and he's around to shepherd the next generation. That's Jeremy Doku, that's Zeno DeBast, that's Nico Raskin, it's Charles De Ketelaere, that's Amadou Onana, who are all 25 or under. Doku has already become one of the most terrifying wingers in the sport. Raskin is giving all the big clubs around Europe the vapors with his work at Rangers. Onana has been a Premier League ass-kicker for a few years now. Maybe they won't hit the heights of the generation before them, but they're awfully good.
Do They Care? There was a nexus a cycle or two ago where the players and fans seemed to tire of not living up to the hype, and everyone was generally miserable when they got together. At times it looked like they actively hated being on the field together, like last days of The Replacements I'll-play-this-last-song-before-I-kill-that-guy vibe. But with the blending in of the younger players, that seems to have subsided a bit.
Any Dudes? Still so many fucking dudes! De Bruyne had his leg fall off during his season with Napoli, and he basically stands still and passes. But he does the latter better than anyone, and the team is shaped to let him do that. Doku has sent many fullbacks into therapy, including Tim Weah in March. Maxim De Cuyper is another Brighton good time boy. Raskin is a do-it-all midfielder. Tielemens can still run a show from the center of the park, and score absolute bangers. Onana is his enforcer here and at Aston Villa. Courtois can still steal a game in goal.
How'd They Get Here? Kind of lazily topped their group, doing just enough to top Wales and North Macedonia, but having some wonky results along the way, like drawing the latter at home, or drawing with Kazakhstan, or giving up five goals over two matches to Wales, who only even face the right way half the time.
They Getting Out Of Here? Belgium have caught a break, with a top seed and an easy draw. They should walk this group. Do that, and they'll get at third-place team. Beyond that, it could be the US in the Round of 16, whom they just clubbed 5-2 in a friendly. Or Turkey, which is definitely a second-tier team. After that, it's probably Spain, or maybe Croatia, or Colombia, or if England get a little silly in the group. Either Spain or England sends Belgium home. The others could go either way. No matter what happens, this definitely is laying out as a tournament that will set up the next batch of Belgium teams for future tournaments.
Prediction: Ah fuck it...they get caught napping against the USMNT in the Round of 16. Fortune favors the brave! And Lukaku will score three goals in the group stage, teasing everyone once again, before he is an absolute ghost in the knockouts.
Egypt
Should You Care? Not as much as you might have if this tournament had taken place a year ago. Then, Mo Salah was coming off being the best player on the planet and winning the Premier League with Liverpool. Omar Marmoush had lit up the second half of that Premier League season with Man City after a January move and saved their season. Together, they would have been an unholy partnership in the summer of '25. But it's the summer of '26. Marmoush was only a role player for City, and Salah apparently forgot how his legs work (but not his mouth!), as his burst completely disappeared and his attempts to dribble past defenders he used to make look like they'd just gotten off the Puke-a-tron at the county fair now resembled cries for help. It's too late, always has been, always will be.
Another year isn't helping most of the squad, come to think of it, as Egypt are OLD. Eight of their 10 most used players in qualifying were 30 or older, which in soccer is akin to rolling out the inhabitants of Jurassic Park. The announced squad for this tournament only has four players under 25, and none expected to play a major role.
Do They Care? Sadly, Egypt has never gotten to rock a World Cup with a fully healthy Salah. Sergio Ramos tried to remove his arm and beat him over the head with it before the 2018 tournament. Egypt missed the 2022 edition. And now he's old, bitchy, and without the fastball. So this is kind of being looked at as a best-we-can-do, last hurrah sort of thing.
Any Dudes? As mentioned, Salah and Marmoush head the list. Even with the former's rapidly waning powers and the latter's lack of regular use, they still headline this outfit.
How'd They Get Here? Even if they all gum their food, they didn't make any mistakes in qualifying, going undefeated and winning eight of 10 games.
They Getting Out Of Here? Probably, but only due to the easy draw they got. They could even win the group if the Belgians aren't paying full attention or arguing with each other or some other goofy shit that they tend to produce at tournaments. Even if they lose that opener, Iran and New Zealand should provide enough openings for Salah and Marmoush, even in weakened states, to fire them through. That would get them a date with, likely, either Turkey or the US in the Round of 32. That's probably as far as it goes.
Prediction: Get out of the group behind a couple Salah penalties, no further.
Iran
Should You Care? Yeah, and for very unpleasant reasons. As much as I or any of us would like to think about just the soccer this summer, thanks to the fuckwits in this country in power and those that got them there, and the fuckwits in power with FIFA, that's just not a possible task. A good portion of that is going to revolve around Iran, who have had to shift base to Mexico, because they couldn't get visas here. They may have to fly in and out of the country day of their matches as well. Oh, and they're playing Egypt in Seattle what the city has made their "Pride Match" during LGBTQ+ Pride month. Neither Iran or Egypt are exactly delighted by this, as you might guess.
On the field, not so much to care about. Iran has never been out of the groups, though they've obviously at least thrown a scare into the US a couple times. You know they'll make things hard on opponents, without ever making it hard enough.
Do They Care? Let's be graceful and say they probably have a point to prove.
Any Dudes? Mehdi Teremi captains the squad, and he's been bouncing around Europe for a good long while now. He scored 10 goals in their 15 qualifying games. What work he didn't do was sucked up by Sardar Azmoun, who had eight and five assists to go with them, and Mohammad Mohebbi, who had six. Strangely, Azmoun wasn't named to the team, reportedly due to some social media posts that angered the Iranian regime.
How'd They Get Here? Topped a group with Qatar easily enough, winning seven and drawing two out of their 10 games in the last round of qualifying.
They Getting Out Of Here? Possibly. Having the opening match against New Zealand is a real boon, as it may leave them only needing a point in their last match against Egypt in that aforementioned game in Seattle. You may remember how hard Iran made it to beat them the last time around, and Christian Pulisic's nutsack would agree. But if they don't win the opener, then it's probably curtains.
Prediction: Three and out, if the US even let them in, or lets them out.
New Zealand
Should You Care? Probably not. With Australia's insisting on moving to the Asian confederation so they could actually play any meaningful opponents, the Kiwis have taken up the automatic invitation from Oceania. Usually, that invitation is just for a playoff with some also-ran in a different federation, and they usually get walloped. This time around, they got a direct spot to the big dance.
Do They Care? Maybe, if they have time from their campaign to get Peter Jackson TO MAKE ANY OTHER KIND OF MOVIE FOR FUCKING ONCE ALREADY!
Any Dudes? One? Chris Wood fired them through qualifying, and he's only a season removed from firing Nottingham Forest into Europe in the Premier League. He also is Chris Wood, who this season remembered he's Chris Wood, a galavanting gorilla costume without the costume. Liberato Cacace plays for Wrexham, so expect Mac and Rob to try and glom onto his appearances somehow with cameras in tow. Finn Surman has been playing regularly for Portland, though that's been under Phil Neville until recently, so you and him will have in common the feeling of knowing you're working for a total moron.
How'd They Get Here? Beating the four or five other teams in Oceania that can put 11 guys out on the field who at least have some understanding of how soccer works.
They Getting Out Of Here? Oh...suppose that they can get Chris Wood a header or look or two against Iran in the opener and goof a result. Maybe they can bunker in and Salah is having an off day again in the second game, and then they wouldn't need anything from their last game against Belgium. Or they get three ass-kickings and take a very long flight home.
Prediction: You'll forget they were ever here by July 1st.