Free World Cup Newsletter - Group B Preview: Marsch Of The Pigs

We move on to Group B, where the Canadians will try to get out of the group for the first time. Or maybe even win a game for the first time. Definitely get a point for the first time.

Canada

Should You Care? Probably not as much as I do, because I hate, hate, hate Jesse Marsch, the Canadian manager. If you don't know, Marsch is American, who basically campaigned for the USMNT job for...fuck, a decade? He's the first US manager to have success in Europe, and if you don't believe it, just ask him!

The truth is that Marsch had decent success at Red Bull New York, and then was transferred within their company to Salzburg, the team in Austria with the biggest budget in the country by a factor of 12. He then, somehow, managed to win the Austrian league with a team that had Haaland, Szoboszlai, Hwang Hee-chan, Minamino, Daka, and a few others who went on to bigger and better. Fucking miracle worker, if you ask him. As soon as he left, Salzburg actually got out of the group in the Champions League for the first time.

He was then transferred again, essentially, within the Red Bull network to Leipzig, where he lasted approximately 12 minutes before the Bundesliga and his players concluded he was an overmatched, overhyped dipshit. He conned his way into the Leeds job a few months later, where he saved them from relegation by winning four games in 12 matches, two of which were against two of the worst teams in Premier League history in Norwich and Watford.

His next half-season in charge of Leeds set the stage for them to get relegated, which they did after he was shitcanned. After his campaigning for the US job led to everyone at US Soccer to conclude, "There's no way we're putting up with this asshole," he took the Canada job and then tried to pretend he was too good for the US. And then the US hired someone with a resume that would use Marsch's as toilet paper (though admittedly, that guy might not care that much, but we'll get to that tomorrow).

Marsch is so far up his own ass he basically has to somersault everywhere he goes. Watching him peacock down the sideline when his team scores their goal per month will cause you to taste your lunch again, the one you had three days ago. He'll stroke himself about their Copa America run to the semis, where they scored two goals in five matches. There isn't a camera or microphone that Marsch won't make sweet, sweet love to, and he'll chase it down from several hundred yards away if he has to. Trust me, by the time Canada is in the 70th minute of their opening match, you'll watch hang this fucker from a bridge by his scrotum.

Do They Care? Probably? They're hosting the damn thing, their team has gotten better with each passing year, and assuming the Canadiens eat shit to the Hurricanes here in the next week, this is about their only chance at national glory. And the bar for that is pretty low, considering they're 0-for-6 in their World Cup history. Beating Qatar would be enough. Should they do that, expect Marsch to break out a full worm on the sideline.

Any Dudes? Definitely. Alphonso Davies rules, a real demon from left-back who plays everywhere from there, though Canada tend to use him as a straight-up winger. He also has some muscle turn into burnt popcorn every other day, and he's going to miss at least their opening game. Jonathan David had a small heater with Juventus right after the turn of the year, with four goals in six matches. He has one in the three and a half months since. Ismael Kone had a decent season in Serie A with Sassuolo. Tajon Buchanan was at Inter for just long enough for everyone there to ask, "How'd you get in here?" before shuttling off to Villareal, where he was decent enough.

How'd They Get Here? Hosting, so they haven't had much to do since the Copa America, either. They brought mostly the full team to the Gold Cup last summer, minus Davies as he was reattaching whatever fell off of him that time, but ate shit in the quarters to Guatemala on penalties. Marsch was still peacocking, and an assistant had to go inform him they actually lost.

They Getting Out Of Here? Probably. The schedule breaks their way in that they play Switzerland last, so they might not need anything out of what is pretty clearly their hardest game. Qatar at home in Vancouver should be a gimme. Bosnia in their opener could be tricky, but being their first ever World Cup game on home soil might provide enough vibes and juice to break down what could be a pretty obstinate force. With the goofy nature of the Round of 32 and figuring out which third-place team would face the group winner, it's hard to navigate their next round. If they win the group, they can stay in Vancouver. If they finish second, it could be Mexico or South Korea or the Czechs in the Round of 32.

Prediction: They'll get out of the group. Beating Qatar is a must, and getting a draw against Bosnia is more than possible. Switzerland seem a surer bet to win the group, leaving a tougher Round of 32 game, which is where they probably trip up. If that's how it goes, Marsch will become the first person to blow himself on CBC...after that one Coach's Corner no one can find the video of anymore.

Switzerland

Should You Care? Yeah. Switzerland are kind of weird. They are a very good, second-tier European teams, but they tend to save their best performances for the Euros instead of the World Cup. Two years ago, they demolished Italy in the Round of 16 (though obviously, Italy are butt), and really should have beaten England in the quarters, only getting done by a last-minute fairytale from Jude Bellingham and then losing to England's newfound penchant for not shitting themselves during penalties. Six years ago at the Euros, they beat France in the knockouts, who were the reigning World Cup holders at the time, before losing to Spain on penalties as well.

But they've never won a knockout game at the World Cup, though they've gotten out of the group the last three tournaments. Not only do they lose their first knockout game every time, it also tends to be a game that has the entertainment level of an endoscopy, except you're asleep for an endoscopy. At least last time they gave up a touchdown to Portugal, which had finally figured out it was better without their designer obelisk at striker (more on him when we get to Portugal).

Do They Care? With some urgency. While this particular batch of the Swiss team hasn't been branded with the dreaded "golden generation" label, they've had a collection of really good players for a bit now, and this is probably the last tournament they'll have all of them in their prime. There's another generation behind them, but the sweet spot is when a national team can blend them, and this could be the tourney that Switzerland can do that. If they're ever going to make some noise at a World Cup, it's here.

Any Dudes? Oh yeah. Manuel Akanji has crossed the rubicon into his 30s, but has been a more than solid defender for City and Inter recently. Granit Xhaka anchored Sunderland's surprise run to the Europa League places in the Premier League, even at 33. Ruben Vargas was a rare bright spot for Sevilla. Freuler, Zakaria, Manzambi, Switzerland are basically littered with guys you don't think about until you remember them playing really well against your team, though mostly as contributors rather than bus drivers.

How'd They Get Here? They didn't quite walk their qualifying group, though they won four and drew two, and the second of those draws was the last game in Kosovo, where they only needed a draw to qualify, which is what they got. They only conceded two goals in six qualifying, so being stubborn is definitely in the holster.

They Getting Out Of Here? Almost for sure. Probably win the group. They'll get a California swing to start, playing Qatar in Santa Clara and then Bosnia in LA, and four points is just about the minimum you'd expect out of that. Which leaves invading Vancouver to decide who wins the group. Switzerland are the kind of solid but not spectacular side that Canada will find really hard to break down, while having enough skill to pick the hosers off in one of the openings they leave. Winning the group will get them a third place team in the Round of 32. Win their first knockout game, and it could be Portugal in the Round of 16. Portugal are better, but they're also more than capable of falling down a clearly marked manhole. It's right there for the Swiss.

Prediction: This is a solid team, though lacks a frontline striker that could really see them making serious noise, that should win the group. They'll get their first knockout win, but that seems the ceiling.

Bosnia-Herzegovina

Should You Care? If you're in the same town with them, yes, because that's a hell of a night out. Other than that, really only a little. This isn't a terribly exciting side, nor a particularly sturdy one. This is only their second major tournament as a nation, so there's still some good time vibes from that. Y'know, stuff like this:

Do They Care? See above.

Any Dudes? A couple. Edin Dzeko leads the line here, even though he's three days older than water. He just got finished helping Schalke get promoted back to the Bundesliga, and he scored six goals during qualifying. No, he can't move, but if they can locate his forehead, he can still be a nuisance. Haris Tabakovic was something of a super sub during qualifying, and he scored against Italy to take that to extra time. Amar Dedic became a pretty useful midfielder for Benfica. Saed Kolasinac used to be a pretty fun cog in a pretty fun Atalanta team, though he's aging out of that. Ermedin Demirovic piled up 12 goals for Stuttgart while only getting 17 starts.

How'd They Get Here? "Limped" through their qualifying group would be a tad harsh, as they only lost once to Austria. But they did draw with Cyprus, as well as losing and drawing with Austria. They then drew 1-1 in the playoffs twice, to Wales and Italy, before kneecapping both on penalties. Neither match was exactly an advertisement for the sport. Not being able to beat either is also not a great advertisement.

They Getting Out Of Here? 50/50. Drew the short straw in having to play Canada's opening match, which they'll be primed for. Then it's a pretty long flight to play Switzerland in LA, and they could easily be without a point after two matches. Beating Qatar may not be enough on its own. But they could also steal a point from either of their first two opponents, if either get a little wayward with their finishing and lose Dzeko from a corner.

Prediction: Just miss the third place spots in the Round of 32, heading home after three games.

Qatar

Should You Care? God no. Before 2022, we heard some buzz about the resources Qatar were pouring into their national team, and patriating some Brazilians to boost their hopes of not embarrassing themselves when they ran out on the field as hosts. They even got invited to a couple Gold Cups and looked ok. Then the World Cup started, and they were vaseline on toast. Utterly clubbed in all three games, and most considered them the worst host country anyone had seen in recent memory. But wait until they see this USMNT get out there!

Do They Care? Now that they're not hosting, probably not.

Any Dudes? I guess I'm supposed to say Almoez Ali, who netted 12 goals during qualifying, and Akram Afif, who had 11 assists.

How'd They Get Here? This would be "limping." Kind of waded through Asia's marathon qualifying process. They were mullered, basically, during the main segment, losing to Iran, UAE twice, Kyrgyzstan, and Uzbekistan. But it was good enough to get into the loser bracket, essentially, and they got a win and a draw against Oman and UAE, and here they are.

They Getting Out Of Here?

Prediction: Pretty obvious by now.

Previous Group Previews

Group A