Free World Cup Newsletter - Group K Preview: Roberto Martinez Cons Another Nation
The penultimate group preview, where Roberto Martinez somehow has earned the right to sink another favorite.
Portugal
Should You Care? Yes, because it's always fun to watch Cristiano Ronaldo eat shit, and it's even more fun when he might be the root cause of shit-eating. As I mentioned in Belgium's preview, Portugal are now guided by international soccer's Doc Rivers in Roberto Martinez. He's a moron, he's a con man, he's going to sink another nation that should be on the verge of their first World Cup. Then he'll talk himself out of any criticism, because that's what he does best, talk about what he didn't do wrong. Motherfucker's teflon, and he'll be on Fox's or Netflix's crew for the 2030 World Cup, you just watch.
When he took this job three years ago, the first question he should have asked was whether or not he could move the team on from Ronaldo or not. Would he be given license to get the now officially over-the-hill, everyone-hates-him-anyway obelisk to try and turn the team into something new, something better. If the answer was no, he shouldn't have taken the job. Instead, he walked in and immediately started glowing up Ronaldo and how important he still was to Portugal, like the uncreative cowardly dolt he is. So then they clanked, hissed, and spurted odd-smelling odors through Euro '24, going out to France in the quarters after yet another scoreless draw, matching the one they put up in the R16 against Slovenia. Oh sure, they won the Nations League. That and $708 will get you on a shuttle to the stadium.
In defense, Portugal are winner-worthy. In midfield, they are winner-worthy. It might even be the best midfield in the tournament. Most of that midfield flourishes with their club teams behind mobile, creative, and incisive forwards who run into space for them, or distract defenders for them, or do anything for them. Portugal does not have this last part, and that's mostly due to insisting on playing Ronaldo all the time, who can only stand at the penalty spot, bitch and moan, and then score a penalty someone else wins. With the occasional header thrown in, if one of his teammates can cross the ball to exactly where he's standing.
When they ate it at the Euros, it's because they couldn't score. When they ate it to Morocco four years ago, it's because they couldn't score. When they eat it this summer, it'll be because they can't score.
Do They Care? One of the reasons no Portugal manager can move beyond Ronaldo is he's still a god to most of the nation, and they think they have the best supporting cast for him they've ever had now, instead of him holding back a younger generation. They're sniffing out big things and are juiced.
Any Dudes? Dudes everywhere. Nuno Mendes is one of the best defenders in the world. Rúben Dias was in defensive pivot point for Manchester City. João Cancelo may be one of the biggest pains in the ass in the world, but he can justify that by, at worst, not being so far removed from being one of the best fullbacks in the world. That's just defense.
In midfield, Portugal could conceivably pair Vitinha and Rúben Neves deep (they're the two who just anchored PSG to consecutive Champions League titles) behind Bernardo Silva and Bruno Fernandes, the former being the dude Pep Guardiola pens poetry about while lying on the grass in the park, and the latter being the best midfielder in the Premier League this past season. No team in this tournament can match that.
It's not what they usually do, though. Either Silva plays deeper with one of Vitinha and Neves behind Fernandes, or Silva shoves out wide to the right and roams from there.
Up front, Rafael Leao did win a Serie A title for AC Milan four years ago, but he hasn't really come close to that kind of form since. Now his agent is barking about getting him a move to somewhere better, except he can't really do anything but run really fast in a straight line. Pedro Neto flashed being something more for Chelsea in the first half of the season, but he can only really run fast in a straight line, cut back, and shoot from the moon. Sometimes it works.
How'd They Get Here? They almost snarfed this group, drawing with Hungary and then losing to Ireland, which sent it to the last day. Then they put up nine on Armenia and were through.
They Getting Out Of Here? Yes, as the group has come up pretty easy. They'll have six points in the bag, likely, before a showdown with Colombia that will likely decide the group winner. The knockout draw starts pretty kind, too, if they win the group. A third-place team followed by Canada or Switzerland. Argentina could be waiting in the quarters, which would assuredly be 90 minutes of 22 guys forming a circle around the referee to wet themselves, with brief interludes of all of them kicking each other in the calf. An ad for the sport, it will not be.
Prediction: Quarters is where Portugal goes, and Martinez isn't taking them any farther than where they usually go. That's not his thing.
Colombia
Should You Care? Yeah, as there's some real dark horse energy here. Not dark horse to win it, but to bust some brackets and definitely annoy some others. They weren't all that far away from taking the rug out from under Argentina at the last Copa America on these shores. They also seem to operate as one of those greater than the sum of their parts. Unlike some of their South American brethren who are coming to this tournament, Colombia score and score a lot. Only Argentina outscored them in qualifying. They're also not all that stout defensively, so their games have a chance to be high-event. Or as high-event as games played inside a pizza oven can be.
Do They Care? When I was 17, a friend and I traveled to France for that World Cup. On our first day in Paris, Colombia beat Tunisia in Montpelier. As we left the hotel to go do whatever we were going to do that night, I saw one guy on a scooter with a Colombian flag driving through the streets, loudly chanting, "CO-LOM-BIA!" all by himself. I'm guessing he's pretty pumped. Though maybe he's long dead. I think maybe he had a helmet? Also, the Colombian bakery down the street from where I live that strangely makes a killer deep dish pizza, they're pumped. I even asked. That's journalism!
Any Dudes? A nice compliment of dudes. Luis Diaz just tore up the Bundesliga and is the main man for this team. Daniel Munoz is one of the best fullbacks in the Premier League. Luis Suarez, the non-bitey one (we assume) just poured in the goals in Portugal this season, though mileage may vary on what goals in the Portuguese league actually count for. Cucho scored 11 goals for Real Betis in La Liga this season from the wing, after destroying MLS in Columbus. Oh, and James Rodriguez is here, for one last job. Can he move? Nope. Is he going to defend at all? No chance. Can he last 90 minutes? Not if you're trying to keep him alive. Will he still pull off a ridiculous pass or two per match? You bet your ass!
How'd They Get Here? They were a bit in the mire of South American qualifying behind Argentina and Ecuador. They, Uruguay, and Brazil were all in a jumble, and there were some real iffy streaks for Colombia. They drew three straight games early on, including with Chile. They lost three straight and four of five later in the campaign, including one loss to Bolivia. But going undefeated in their last five was enough to go through.
They Getting Out Of Here? Seeing how they can go off the boil as they did in qualifying quiets some urge to anoint them real mischief makers. They can get to the Portugal game with six points in the bag and that will be enough to finish second. Maybe they catch Portugal napping. Finishing second could land them Croatia or Ghana, or even England if they get sleepy in their group. But then Spain would likely be waiting after that. Maybe Yamal and Williams aren't healthy, which makes it possible. But maybe they are healthy, which probably means it isn't.
Prediction: They'll take the R16 game to extra time, but glorious defeat sounds more likely than a real Cinderella run.
DR Congo
Should You Care? Not particularly. This is their first World Cup under this name, as they made the 1974 edition as Zaire. So the whole kid at his first day of high school appeal. They took out traditional powers Cameroon and Nigeria to get here, which is not nothing. They got two draws out of three games with Senegal in qualifying and AFCON. So they're not pushovers. They're also in deep in this group.
Do They Care? First one, you know the drill.
Any Dudes? Maybe some adjacent dudes? Aaron Wan-Bissaka has been a Premier League foot solider for a long while now. Had this tournament taken place last summer, Yoanne Wissa would have qualified as a dude. But then Newcastle bought him, and as soon as he got there, they declared that this isn't what they ordered and tried to get a refund or restaurant credit or something. He's barely played for them. Noah Sadiki was a shit-wrecker in midfield for Sunderland this past season.
How'd They Get Here? Finished second in a group with Senegal in the first round of qualifying, then took out Cameroon 1-0 in the playoff semifinal and beat Nigeria on penalties in the playoff final. Pretty big accomplishment, even if both of those teams are on something of a down cycle.
They Getting Out Of Here? No. Portugal aren't so dysfunctional to pay so little attention to give away a draw to them. Colombia have enough old hands at this to do the same. That basically puts them out before they even get to Uzbekistan. But they can get their first win there, and that's not a nothing. DR Congo-Uzbekistan in Atlanta, the most random World Cup match ever?
Prediction: Get a win in their last group game they'll really celebrate in a half-full Mercedes-Benz, which FIFA is somehow still charging hundreds for.
Uzbekistan
Should You Care? Look, we only have so much bandwidth for this fucking thing, right? Uzbekistan fall outside of that. Did well to finish ahead of Qatar to qualify automatically, but as you know, Qatar fucking stink.
Do They Care? Yeah, sure, I mean why not?
Any Dudes? I can't be fucked.
How'd They Get Here? Finished behind Iran but ahead of UAE and Qatar in their qualifying group, which was enough to punch their ticket to this paradise.
They Getting Out Of Here? Well, physically they will probably be allowed to leave, unlike some of the obstacles some of their Asian counterparts might face in this paradise. Soccer wise, they're getting blitzed.
Prediction: I'm tired.
Previous Group Previews
Group A: Mexico, South Korea, Czechia, South Africa
Group B: Canada, Switzerland, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Qatar
Group C: Brazil, Scotland, Morocco, Haiti
Group D: USA, Paraguay, Turkiye, Australia
Group E: Germany, Ecuador, Ivory Coast, Curacao
Group F: Netherlands, Japan, Sweden, Tunisia
Group G: Belgium, Egypt, Iran, New Zealand
Group H: Spain, Cape Verde, Saudi Arabia, Uruguay