Lost In America - Free, Daily World Cup Newsletter: Group L Preview - Weighted Down With Silent Dead

We come to the end of the group previews, and I finally thought of a title for this silly little newsletter for the next six weeks! Only took me two! We round out looking at England's group, and how they will break the hearts of their fans once again.

England

Should You Care? If you're at all inclined to schadenfreude, then England have probably provided you a chuckle or two, no matter how long you've watched soccer. And if this is your first taste of a World Cup, then I'll just tell you there's always amusement to be drawn from however England insert their foot in their ass, as long as you don't delude yourself into actually rooting for England (which I did some 30 years ago, and now I'm stuck like this).

England, on paper, are one of the three BIG favorites to win this silly thing. A midfield of Declan Rice, Elliot Anderson, and Jude Bellingham can really only be matched by Portugal, assuming they're not all already exhausted and melting in the heat. Unlike a lot of the faves, England roll in with a #9 that is definitely on one, and that's Harry Kane. A Kane heater answers a lot of questions and cures a lot of ills. There's the making of a pretty stout defense, and a variable one that can either shut up shop or join the attack from fullback, should they need to. There's depth on the wings, and even Jordan Pickford becomes a different thing in net when he's playing for England instead of the kazoo-soundtracked pudwhack he generally is for Everton.

So England are going far. One problem, which isn't really a problem for anyone just worried about results, is that they'll go far being pretty fucking boring. They got to the Euro final two years ago despite themselves, really. They didn't play one good game, looked disjointed and exhausted for most of the tournament, yet didn't concede much and always found a way at the end. Until the very end, that is, when the reaper finally caught up with them. Thomas Tuchel won't be causing the lineup and tactical problems that previous manager Gareth Southgate did. Everyone will play where they should. What he won't do is open things up. This is a team designed to keep the ball, but wait until the absolute right moment to do anything with it, which actually might be the best plan when a team has to get through the steam baths of New York, Boston, Dallas, Mexico City, and Miami on their sojourn through the tourney. It's just going to be an interrogation method to watch.

Do They Care? England come with the most annoying fan trait, which is a dual-tracked arrogance of Yankees fans without ever actually won anything anyone alive can recall, combined with the performative sense of dread of any number of other fanbases. They are basically the Knicks fans of international soccer, so maybe they're taking inspo from that hoodoo being broken at the moment. Though a Knicks and England collapse in the summer may be too much for some to take, dying laughing like the weasels. They can't decide if they're ready to bask in long-awaited glory or stick in their dark corner stabbing themselves. Throw in that some don't want to see them succeed with a German manager, though few will say that out loud, and the feeling in England is just weird. And infuriating.

Any Dudes? It's inarguable that they have so many fucking dudes that anything less than winning the goddamn thing should be a disappointment. Kane was maybe the best striker in Europe this past season. Bellingham hasn't been able to back up his first brilliant season with Madrid, but some of that is due to the dysfunction elsewhere in the team and his own injury issues. He's healthy now. Rice was the epicenter of Arsenal's scorched Earth season. Bukayo Saka wasn't as on melody this season with Arsenal as he has been in the past, but he's also carried them in previous seasons. Anderson is the next Man City midfield Mjolnir. Mark Guehi may be short (and a bigot!), but he's as smooth of a centerback as you can find. It's as good of a starting 11 as any other team can muster.

How'd They Get Here? Won all eight games in qualifying, didn't give up a goal, scored 22. So acceptable.

They Getting Out Of Here? Yes, easily, but the path to get where they want to go has done them no favors. Winning the group, as they should, lands them a third-place team in the R32. But then it could be a trip to the Azteca to face Mexico at home. England are way better than Mexico, but beating them at the Azteca is just a tad more than spelling your name correctly on the SAT. And beating Mexico in Mexico City might not even be the biggest hurdle, but recovering from that in time for the quarterfinal, which will be in Miami and very well could be against Brazil. Again, England are better than Brazil, but this is a huge ask back-to-back. There is six days between the two, if there's one saving grace. There is a lot of symmetry between this tournament and the one in 2002, and England meeting Brazil in the quarterfinal where the humidity will be 298% is yet another one.

Prediction: Last four? Yeah, just about. But c'mon man...it's England. Is anyone really going to say they're going to win it? Even Krusty didn't bet on Charlie Brown to actually kick the football.

Croatia

Should You Care? Yep, for a couple reasons. One, while most of the "last World Cup" attention will go to Ronaldo and Messi, this is also Luka Modric's last World Cup at 40. There's an argument to be made that most of Ronaldo's accomplishments at Madrid were simply adding the last decoration to Modric's work. He was that good.

Two, Croatia always end up doing better than anyone thinks. They were a very good team in 2018. Were they beaten finalists good? Probably not, but that's where they ended up. They were a good team in 2022. Were they semifinalist good? Probably not, but that's where they ended up. They just know how to get things done, which helped four years ago, as they drew Belgium and Brazil in the knockouts, two teams that are experts in fucking their own face. Everything screams that their key players are too old and the next generation just isn't ready to hold the torch as high, and yet the feeling that they'll figure it out just enough can't be escaped.

Do They Care? It feels like they're all playing this off as the Modrić retirement tour, and that's all it needs to be, but they may be okie-doking all of us.

Any Dudes? Some, but not as many as they're used to be. Modrić is still effective but can barely move these days. Croatia also aren't equipped with the midfield that can do his hard work for him. At least not in the way they used to. Matteo Kovačić barely played for City this season, but starts for the national side. Joško Gvardiol is a defensive stalwart for that same City team. Andrej Kramarić had a very good season for Hoffenheim, but he's 34. Ante Budimir punted in 17 goals for Osasuna in La Liga, but he's also 34. Ivan Perišić is mostly dust and butterscotch at this point.

How'd They Get Here? Won seven and drew one in their qualifying group, and can't really do it better than that, including thumping fellow qualifiers Czechia at home 5-1.

They Getting Out Of Here? Sure, but know-how and stagecraft can only take them so far this time. Finishing second probably means a date with Colombia in the R32, and Colombia's energy might be more than this senior community outing can handle. After that, it's likely Spain, and then it'll definitely be time to get Grandpa up to bed.

Prediction: R16 is the best they can do, though having Colombia kick them all over the field in Toronto might be the end.

Ghana

Should You Care? It's been too long since they were the scourge of the USMNT in both Germany and South Africa to hold them as villains anymore, and we all have to learn to let things go, anyway. Bad for the complexion, grudges. Their recent history suggests you probably shouldn't care. They've beefed it in the groups in their last two World Cup outings, which sandwich missing out altogether in 2018. They've even beefed it in the groups in their last two AFCONs. The days of Michael Essien and Asamoah Gyan are long gone. This Ghana team is a step below Morocco or Senegal.

Do They Care? Their recent tournament performances don't exactly have their fans and followers vibrating with anticipation. Which is probably healthy, as that can really ruin your joints.

Any Dudes? They're short on dudes, which is the biggest reason it feels like this isn't the vintage of Ghana we might remember from our nightmares a couple decades ago. Yes, Virginia, it was that long ago. Antoine Semenyo is unquestionably a dude, having turbo-charged the second half of Man City's season after moving from Bournemouth. He might be the entire attack for Ghana. Iñaki Williams was a dude for Athletic Bilbao a couple seasons ago, but he's gone off the boil in his 30s (happens to the best of us, dude).

How'd They Get Here? Made easy work of their African qualifying group, which is nice, winning eight of 10 and losing only once.

They Getting Out Of Here? Sure doesn't look like it. There just isn't a lot here outside of Semenyo, and maybe they could catch a big boy napping in another group. But Croatia are too street-smart for that, and England are just too good. A win over Panama, which might not even be guaranteed, isn't going to be enough to get them out through the third-place bingo drawing.

Prediction: Home before the postcards.

Panama

Should You Care? Yeah, because these are the same assholes that sent the USMNT into two different, months-long existential crises. One after they took advantage of Gregg Berhalter's cowardly turtling after Tim Weah's sending off in Copa America, and the other after they beat the US again in the Nations League semifinal the following spring. The first caused the US to fire Berhalter, the second caused Mauricio Pochettino to basically tell his entire first-choice roster to get stuffed for a while as he tried out some new toys during the Gold Cup. So yeah, there's some bad taste in the mouth over these guys. And the Van Halen jokes, obviously.

Do They Care? It's only their second World Cup, so there's that, and they've rattled some cages in the Copa America, Gold Cup, and Nations League clearly. They might think they can make just a little noise in the same place they did all that.

Any Dudes? Not bereft. José Luis Rodriguez is a Liga MX regular for Juarez. Égar Yoel Bárcenas has been bothering people in the center of midfield throughout CONCACAF for a long while now.

How'd They Get Here? Without the top three dogs in CONCACAF qualifying, took their role as replacement dog pretty seriously, not losing a game in the final round to top the group.

They Getting Out Of Here? Almost certainly not. They might nick a point off Ghana or even a inattentive Croatia, but that's the limit of their hopes.

Prediction: Target practice for England, try and scrap something in the other two games.

FIN.

Previous Group Previews

Group A: Mexico, South Korea, Czechia, South Africa

Group B: Canada, Switzerland, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Qatar

Group C: Brazil, Scotland, Morocco, Haiti

Group D: USA, Paraguay, Turkiye, Australia

Group E: Germany, Ecuador, Ivory Coast, Curacao

Group F: Netherlands, Japan, Sweden, Tunisia

Group G: Belgium, Egypt, Iran, New Zealand

Group H: Spain, Cape Verde, Saudi Arabia, Uruguay

Group I: France, Senegal, Iraq, Norway

Group J: Argentina, Algeria, Austria, Jordan

Group K: Portugal, Colombia, DR Congo, Uzbekistan